Abrahams goes on to say that people who can tolerate these feelings often cope better with distressing experiences and understand that difficulties come and go.
While they may still feel upset, upset or hurt, she said they tend to work things out on their own, or talk to their partner, or take sensible advice from someone in their community. or a therapist.
“The important thing is that they aren’t afraid to think about these emotional states. They want to understand them so they can recover,” she said.
The other side of it? Those who struggle with difficult emotions.
“The big difference for those who can’t deal with these feelings or pain is that they have to do something in the outside world to make the feelings go away.”
“These solutions are a way of dealing with the pain, but they never really solve it. Often they just make it worse.”
So you will want to know whether your partner can sit with difficult feelings or not. If not, what do they do?
“Do they immediately blame you? Do they block or push back your ideas? Do they become petulant or whiny? Do they isolate themselves or become punitive?” Abrahams said.
“Can they turn to drugs or alcohol to relieve emotional or physical pain? Do they use porn, gambling, or shopping excessively to avoid feelings? What about emotional eating or very strict restrictions on food?”
This is very important to answer because it can hurt a relationship if we can’t handle the difficult situations within ourselves.
2. How do they like and dislike being touched physically or sexually?
Partners can have very different views on intimacy, such as how often sex should happen and their expectations and fantasies about sexual activity, including touch.
“Every partner in a relationship likes to be touched differently. In the beginning of our relationship, we often care a lot about whether our partner likes our touch,” Abrahams said.
Think back to the beginning of your relationship when everything was new and exciting. In time, we may not care so much about what our partner likes and dislikes – which is a bit sh**ty.
“We need to continue to worry, because this journey is an ever-changing field,” Abrahams said. “Our partner will change during the relationship. We need to understand how they like to be touched physically and sexually at different ages and stages.”
3. Do they want children or not?
This one? This is important. While you might be fooled into thinking that most couples will figure this out early on in a relationship, sometimes it doesn’t.
“Each partner has their own thoughts on whether they want to be a parent or not. Don’t take your partner’s point of view. Make sure to ask the question: Do you want children? Yes/no,” Abrahams said.