I was sure he was just one of those people who comes across as very strong when they meet someone they like a little bit. Someone who falls ‘in love’ very quickly. His behavior was the opposite of what I think he expected. It didn’t make me feel special. It worried me, and like I was one of a hundred in the past few years of his life.
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In retrospect, that may have been a little unfair. I just couldn’t fathom how someone could be so sure of something when he barely knew anything about it.
Then I had an even stranger thought… was all these questions just a strange projection of my own insecurities?
I started to wonder if I really felt like I wasn’t worthy of all this heartbreak. As I started to fall in love with him, I started to feel less and less worthy of his love because of what a beautiful person I really got to see him.
I started to feel insecure that one day he would realize that I’m just an imperfect, neurotic, anxious, (sometimes) lazy woman who over-analyzed everything. One day, I thought, the veil would be lifted.
Dating has become so full of options. Anytime I can leave my boyfriend for a random guy on Bumble. I could replace him in two seconds – just as he could replace me. We always have access to so many people, it’s easy to ask yourself, what if?
It almost feels like a miracle more when someone shows genuine interest in you, and I mean real, real, unique interest in you that they have not expressed to anyone else. They don’t play on the field or constantly keep an unconscious backup girlfriend in their mind. They are most deadly in chasing you and only you. It’s actually quite magical.
I think that’s why I was so hesitant to believe it. It felt like there must be something sinister underneath, because how could anything be so pure?
My boyfriend may have come across as pretty strong at first, and he may have been clingy (sometimes in a not-so-appealing way), but his eagerness to love me was something I hadn’t seen in a long time. I didn’t know how or if to trust it.
But I guess that’s the thing about love. Sometimes you don’t know for sure. You can only believe.
What I do know is how I feel and how he makes me feel. With that, I can choose to believe. I can choose to believe that it is real, and that it is right.
In any relationship, that’s something I think people do every day. Once you stop believing, the problems begin.
With Dan, I’m willing to do that. Let’s see where this thing is going.
Feature Image: Getty.
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